What’s Avoidant Attachment?

The second of the insecure styles of attachment is usually called “avoidant” in young children and “dismissive” in adults. I’ll stick with “avoidant” for clarity. Just like the other styles, avoidant attachment emerges as a way to best cope with the unique combination of genes and environment (including parents) that a baby is dealt. Babies learn over time that if they need something, it’s best to DIY or stop needing it.

Anxiously attached people have a tougher time with the connection side of the connection versus autonomy battle. In avoidant attachment, it’s the opposite. People with this style of attachment are more wary of deep connection and are very, very wired for autonomy. Connection is tougher for them.

Avoidant Attachment in Babies and Children

In the Strange Situation Procedure, babies with avoidant attachment styles don’t usually get very upset when mom leaves the room. They also may not notice or appear to care when she returns. They often go on playing with the toys as if nothing happened. It’s clear that these babies have created a clever adaptation in order to protect themselves and keep their caregivers regulated. they pretend not to have any needs. Of course, babies who look completely fine when mom leaves them with a stranger are NOT fine, they’ve just learned not to express their upset so that she’ll come back. They’ve learned to trade in connection for autonomy.

The primal desire for autonomy tends to develop when caregivers appear overwhelmed, or somehow signal to the infant that his/her needs are too much. In an effort to find co-regulation (soothing, safety, care), the infant will downplay their own needs and develop pseudo-independent behaviors at a very early age (it’s “pseudo” because the baby isn’t really ready for the level of autonomy they show, it’s a strategy or performance rather than an authentic ability/readiness). These kids may appear “easy” or calm most of the time, but it’s all a performance to elicit co-regulation.

Be sure, here, to understand that when I say the baby is “performing”, I don’t mean they’re being manipulative in a conscious, adult-like manner. This version of performing is a necessary adaptation in order to survive. When these babies or young children LOOK like they’re really great at self-regulation, they’re not. They haven’t been soothed, they’ve stopped trying and have shut down those needs. The needs are still there, of course, like they are for all humans, they’ve just been squashed. It’s not uncommon for kids with this style to appear extremely pulled-together until there’s one tiny stressor too many, and then there’s a volcanic rage response. It’s all of those squashed basic needs flooding out when the gate cracks open.

Avoidant Attachment in Relationships

In adulthood, the avoidant pattern can look, predictably, like “fear of commitment” in relationships. It can also look like always having one foot out of an intimate relationship, even when it’s going well. Adults with this style will often confide that they’ve always “wondered what would’ve happened if…” a former flame had worked out, they’d moved to another country, their high school sweetheart hadn’t married that other person, etc. It’s a way of protecting their inner selves from the pain of rejection, which they expect from lovers the same way they experienced it from their earliest caregivers.

Bonnie Badenoch describes the experience of living with an avoidant style as living “in an emotional desert”. That doesn’t mean adults with this pattern remain forever single. They don’t, it’s just more difficult for them to completely commit to a relationship, and to stick with it if their partner appears rejecting or too needy.

However, just like with the other insecure styles, most people with the avoidant adaptation have pockets of security. When you express a need and someone meets it, this contributes to your pockets of security. Over time, with deliberate work and a good therapist, a person can grow pockets of secure attachment until it’s the dominant style a person feels and displays.

Latest Comments

What’s Avoidant Attachment?

Avoidant Attachment in Babies and Children

Avoidant Attachment in Relationships