The Anxious attachment style: Should I stay or should I go now?

 

What is Anxious Attachment?

Anxious, also sometimes called ambivalent, attachment is a result of early care being fairly inconsistent. Sometimes someone will come and change the diaper, give some milk, soothe the baby. And sometimes they don’t. Exactly what percentage of times the baby cries and isn’t answered that leads to insecure/anxious attachment isn’t known. What we do know is that anxious attachment is fairly common (best guess: 20-ish percent of the US adult population). It starts out as an adaptive response to a difficult environment.

Maybe mom and dad have another young child who has health problems. Parents may work multiple jobs to make ends meet. Maybe one or both are depressed or struggling with substance use, maybe their pediatrician advised letting the baby “cry it out”. Or maybe there’s been a war, natural disaster, pandemic, or other large-scale issue that’s taking a lot of their time away from parenting. It can also be the case that the parent(s) also have this style, as attachment styles are often passed down in families.

Regardless of the causes, the baby develops ways to cope with inconsistent care that look like not being sure of the adult response to cries for help. Anxious attachment, like secure, avoidant, and disorganized styles, exists on a continuum. That means you can be a little anxious or a lot anxious, or anything in between.

What it looks like in babies and children

In the Strange Situation test, which is the gold standard for determining a young child’s attachment style, children with an anxious style will generally fuss when the mother leaves the room, cry inconsolably when she returns, and often will be difficult for the mother to soothe at reunification (I use “mother” because the majority of the studies are done with the female-identifying parent).

At home, this child may exhibit clingy behavior in new situations, especially if the parent(s) need to leave her at a new place/with a new caregiver. S/he may also be generally nervous or “tightly wound”, having difficulty allowing caregivers out of her sight or needing to know where they are and when they will return when separated. The child’s early experience of being cared for inconsistently causes him/her to leave on the “signal cry”, which I think of as a Bat Signal (from Batman) for care all the time, rather than only as needed.

Leaving this signal on all the time means that the baby will eventually get the adult’s attention. This is an adaptive response in young children with distracted parents- it does work to get their attention. However, as the child gets older, this insecure attachment pattern becomes less of a helpful adaptation and more of a barrier to health intimate relationships (including close friendships in childhood).

What it looks like in adults

As adults or older adolescents beginning romantic relationships, this style of interaction can cause trouble with partners who don’t share it. Adults with anxious attachment styles are sometimes reluctant to get into relationships for fear of being hurt, but once they’re in, they’re IN. People with this attachment style feel a great deal of distress when parting from loved ones, even if the departure is routine and expected. They may worry excessively about where the partner is, what they’re doing, if they’re ok, etc.

It makes sense- having inconsistent responses for early needs means that you’re not able to construct a stable sense of relationships as reliable- they might disappear at any moment. This can lead to relational hyperfocus, where the person can’t make their attention focus on anything except their partner and the worries surrounding them and/or the relationship. Their can also be an over-reliance on other people for reassurance and praise. When caregiving is inconsistent early on, it’s hard for the nervous system and brain to work in concert to create a stable sense of the self as “good-enough” and to learn to regulate the emotions.

What to do if this is you

Remember, these attachment styles are hardwired in our brains and nervous systems. They generally operate beneath the level of awareness for most of us most of the time. We CAN change our style to be more secure, but it takes work. Hardwiring leftover from our earliest years tends to be pretty stable over time without intervention. Fortunately, good intervention in the form of therapy does exist. If you think you might have an anxious attachment style, keep these ideas in mind:

1. It’s not your parent’s fault. They did the best they could with what they had. Assigning blame isn’t helpful.
2. Try some grounding exercises to prevent or counteract moments of anxious doubt in relationships.
3. Identify who is consistent in your life. Who’s always there? Who can you depend on? Even if this person is no longer in your life, imagine being with them now. Take some breaths and scan your body- what do you notice? You may be more relaxed and easy with this person- if that’s the case, try recalling this feeling when you aren’t with this person a few times a day. See if you can replicate this state when you’re alone. This will help build some new pathways for rewiring.
4. Remember this paradox: Demanding too much of any relationship can end it. Evaluate your demands on your current relationships: are you asking so much that the other person feels s/he can’t possibly live up to your expectations? Is this a pattern? Do you need to make adjustments?
5. Find an experienced attachment-focused therapist if you’re feeling uncomfortable reading this. Like I said before, this stuff lives deep inside your nervous system. You can absolutely make changes, but it is a process, and you need a really competent guide. Not all therapists/counselors know enough about attachment to do this work, so ask before you start seeing someone new. Read prospective therapists’ websites and profiles on Psychology Today/Therapy Den, etc., and ask questions. If it’s not a good fit, that’s ok. You won’t hurt the therapists’ feelings if you decide to go somewhere else.

More to read elsewhere: 

https://www.elizabethgillette.com/blog/do-you-have-the-anxious-attachment-style-heres-how-to-heal

https://robyngobbel.com/course/attachmentebook/

Related content: 

Do you wear rose-colored glasses? Thank your parents.

The Avoidant (dismissive) attachment style: Always searching for Perfection.