Handling a tantrum is hard work! These tips might make it easier.
Step one:
On an airplane, you put your own oxygen mask on first. This same rule applies when you’re trying to manage your child’s tantrum. If you’re angry, frustrated, and/or exhausted give yourself a moment to take a deep breath before diving in. Tantrums, especially in older kids, and especially on already rough days, can wear anyone out. This is hard! It’s ok to feel mad, sad, etc.
Negative emotions won’t serve you here, though. As much as you can, try and either get through it quickly or put negative feelings aside for the moment. This doesn’t mean squash them down and never go back — it means put your kid’s needs in focus for the moment. When the tantrum is over, you can return to your own feelings (more on that later).
Step two:
Just like in martial arts, try to side step rather than go head-on whenever you can. If you know what tends to set your son or daughter off, develop a few key responses to keep in mind. A lot of kids tend to get angry when an adult says “no”. Clearly, you’ve got to have limits and rules, so what to do?
Instead of, “No, you can’t go outside. It’s dark/raining/icy/we don’t have time.”
Try: “Absolutely! Outside is a great idea. As soon as it’s not raining/icy/we get back”.
A lot of kids also tend to get more upset when they’re tired, hungry, or overstimulated. In those situations, try offering a snack or quiet activity they usually like before the tantrum starts. If you don’t quite make that goal, offering a snack (or even just water) in a quiet spot can sometimes help soothe an upset kid.
If none of this works, you may be left riding out the tantrum. The key thing during a tantrum is safety. Don’t try to soothe or correct a person who’s having a meltdown or tantrum. Your words will most likely just frustrate them and make it last longer. Stay nearby, use touch only if it’s welcomed, and wait. Taking deep breaths youself can help keep your nervous system in a more positive state, and might also be contagious (link below).
Step three:
The aftermath. Kids are usually exhausted after a tantrum. Having a long conversation isn’t really a good option right now. Reconnecting IS a good option.
Wait to do clean up until you’ve done this step (unless your child is a young toddler, don’t do it all for them. Kids should clean up after themselves as part of the return to the calm/alert state).
Have a (usually brief) conversation about what happened. Remind them that all feelings are ok, but that breaking things and hurting people are not ok (if they did this). Remind them that you love them and want to help with big feelings.
Shame can develop at this point if you don’t make a reconnection, and that only makes things worse over time.
If tantrums happen a lot:
It might be time to reach out for help. Tantrums are normal, but they can also be symptoms of other problems if they’re extreme. Toddlers tend to have a lot of brief tantrums. Almost all of a toddler’s tantrums can be attributed to being tired, hungry, or frustrated. If your toddler has multiple tantrums a day, or if they last more than a few minutes, it might be time to seek therapy from a children’s counseling specialist.
In older children, tantrums generally disappear by about age 4. Occasional crying/yelling jags might happen, but the source should be obvious. Being overtired, hungry, and/or frustrated by circumstances can trigger them.
If your school-aged child is having frequent tantrums (more than about 2 a month) and especially if you can’t quite figure out why, it’s likely time to seek help from an experienced child and family therapist.
Tantrums can be symptoms of a lot of different common childhood problems. Luckily, they usually respond quickly to counseling interventions.
Additional resources:
https://www.daniellemaxon.com/blog/2016/5/6/tantrum-tear-free-transitions
https://www.zerotothree.org/resource/developing-self-control-from-24-36-months/
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/temper-tantrums
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