What’s secure attachment?

First off, this post is NOT about mom-bashing. It IS about the science and art of attachment, but no moms are blamed here. Being a mom (or parent of any gender) is HARD. Most people parent the way we were parented, for better or worse. Many of us feel like we stumble more than we glide (I’m in this column, too!).

If you’re parenting now, it’s a great time to take a look at how you were parented. Take some time to learn about attachment science, and make adjustments if needed. If your kids are grown, it’s a great time to look at how you parented and grow from any issues that came up. Even if you’re not a parent and don’t plan to be, the parenting you experienced still impacts your life. Attachment patterns impact everyone in terms of how you handle intimate relationships and stress/trauma. Sorry, there’s really just no escaping it. There IS healing. If your experiences of being parented weren’t exactly Ideal (pro tip: no one has ever had a perfect childhood, ever).

How attachment styles develop

How you interpret the world in terms of how safe or dangerous it is depends a lot on your early experiences of caregiving. Turns out, humans are born with underdeveloped upper brains. What I mean by that is, when humans are born, the top layers of our brains are smooth, sort of like a new can of Play-Doh. Our lower brain parts, the ones that control automatic functions like breathing and appetite are pretty well wired up. The upper levels of our brains, where all of our high-powered computing skills and thinking happens, are smooth and undeveloped. That changes rapidly over the first three years of life.

As young humans gain experiences with the world, especially with the humans who care for them, neural pathways develop rapidly. The more often a certain type of experiences happen, the more solidly wired that pathway becomes. For example, if every time the baby experiences hunger, an adult gently picks her up and feeds her, over time the baby learns that signaling hunger equals getting fed.

Even if the parents/caregivers occasionally miss the cue, if they get it most of the time, the baby develops trust that her needs will be met. When she asks for food, she’ll expect to be fed. This gives her a well-wired pathway for expecting her needs for food to be met.

When parents/caregivers meet the baby’s basic needs pretty consistently (it’s really important to know that parenting doesn’t have to be perfect), over time the baby will develop a picture of the world as a safe place. Her brain and nervous system will go on to develop in ways that support her focusing most of her baby energy on growing and developing and learning, rather than on being scared, anxious, and uncertain. Developing in this way is known as having a secure attachment pattern.

What does it look like in adults?

Most adults (best research guess is around 60%, read Mary Ainsworth, 1978 for the original round) grow up with a secure attachment style. Having a secure attachment with one or more caregivers allows young children to go out and explore their worlds without lots of anxiety, knowing that they have a safe base to return to if things go badly.

Securely attached babies are able to keep a picture of mom/dad/caregiver in mind, know they can seek this person out if they get upset. They are generally able to be comforted by this person when they’re hurt or frightened. As older kids, securely attached individuals (whether introverts or extroverts) are generally able to try out new experiences, meet new people, and spend most of their mental energy on learning and growing than on worries or fears. As adults, they can develop intimate partnerships based on mutual trust and are usually able to choose partners who treat them with respect and consideration. Starting out in life with your wiring set to secure is a pretty big leg up on relationships.

What if I’m not in this category?

But what if you’re in the 40-ish% of people who didn’t have consistent, caring adults in your life early on? There are 3 sub-categories of insecure attachment, and I’ll outline those in the next few weeks of posts. Each of those groups handles their distress from inconsistent care differently, all of them are ways to manage and are adaptive in early life. They can cause problems later, though, mostly in romantic/intimate relationships.

Good news, though- it’s possible to shift your attachment style. It’s not a quick and easy process, mostly because these patterns are baked in to the brain and nervous systems early in life. However, once you know that you have an insecure pattern, therapy with an attachment-informed therapist can help move to a more secure pattern. So, even if you parents gave you mixed signals, you can work with your brain and nervous systems to let go of some of that and rewire yourself, and maybe make the view a bit rosier.

Secure attachment: The world is safe and I’m ok.

What’s secure attachment?

How attachment styles develop

What does it look like in adults?

What if I’m not in this category?

Other articles and helpful info:

Related posts and pages:

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