While most of the western chunk of NC (and several other large areas) are making our way back from the brink after Helene, many of us are also trying to parent our kids through a massive disaster. No matter how much or how little damage your home and property sustained, it’s very likely that your nervous system took a hit. I know mine did. Let’s get into some options that might help make parenting a little less fraught.
Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others:
Yep. The flight attendants are right on this one. If your own body and mind are unsettled, you’re not going to be able to do the most important crisis parenting job. Being an external nervous system for your children is that main job right now. You’re sort of like your kids’ training wheels, except for their brains and bodies rather than their bikes. Children who live through natural disasters generally (depending on their age and how they were doing prior to the disaster) need at least some adult co-regulation during the recovery and rebuilding phase of the disaster.
If you have the capacity, do the things that usually help you wind down. Maybe read a book, have some herbal tea, do a little yoga or stretching, meditate or pray, hug your dog/cat/partner/friend. Engage in a creative practice if you can. Drawing, working clay (or Play-doh), writing a story, singing or making music can all be very calming and grounding activities.
Talk to people outside the disaster zone. Sometimes a phone call with a compassionate friend whose life isn’t upside down can help us remember not the whole world is trashed right now.
Find the Helpers:
It’s totally ok if you became unglued during the storm and after it. Notice that if it happened. Is your heart still racing more often than not? Are your thoughts still refusing to come out in order? Are you sleeping? Eating? If you’re not back to a healthy baseline yet, and you can do it, find a substitute adult to pinch hit for you – even an hour or two can help. School being out is super non-helpful with this. I’m really hoping they can re-open soon for many reasons, one of the biggest being all the adult nervous systems kids can access at school.
There are starting to be places offering free child care. Check the various local message boards and radio broadcasts as you’re able to find options. If you need a break, take it. If you’ve experienced your own traumas, it’s ok for you to need to talk to someone about it. Psychological First Aid and Disaster Mental Health services are also available to adults via the Red Cross, Beloved Asheville, and other organizations.
Limit the Doom Scrolling:
Disaster porn helps no one (except ad agencies?). Stop it. Install a “focus” app on your phone if you have to. You have to set the good example.
Limit kid’s access to social media and other sites online as well. Texting friends is great for older kids if service is available, but do spy a little bit to be sure the friends aren’t amping up your kid’s anxiety. Suggest frequent breaks from screens if they seem glued to it. It can be hard for adolescents to be away from peers, but focusing on the damage and death is worse. If possible, get them together in person or suggest old-timey voice calls instead of texting and messaging.
Eat and Sleep:
I’ve long told clients that sleep is the foundation of the structure of mental health. Without it, everything collapses. I know sleep can be elusive after a disaster. Try to have some sort of routine, including a set bedtime. No doomscrolling in bed! Have some herbal tea or warm milk if you can about 30 minutes before bed.
Try and keep kids on a routine bedtime and set night time schedule. Toothbrushing, etc., can be one routine that stays mostly the same, even in a shelter or temporary housing. Reading or singing to your kids at bedtime is especially important now. If you used to read stories but don’t have access to books, making up stories or singing familiar songs instead can also be soothing.
Meals can be hard to figure out if you’re relying on outside resources. If you can, watch your protein intake and try to boost it some over what you normally eat. Nuts and nut butters can be really helpful. If you have to set alarms to eat, do it. It can be easy to loose track of time in the aftermath.
Comfort food is called that for a reason. Now is not the time to introduce new foods. Eat what you like, within reason (if it’s available).
Engage the Community
One of the bright spots after a disaster like this one is the ways that people come together for mutual aid. If your neighbors are nearby and accessible, it can be a great time to meet them and pool resources, including child care. Once more resources show up, taking the kids to get food donations or water can be an opportunity for both you and them to be social. Of course, there are occasionally angry/ill/high folks around who make places unsafe, so do be on the lookout.
Once your own body/mind has settled, volunteering can also help you regain a sense of purpose and normalcy. Pace yourself and put safety first.
Expressive Arts for Processing:
Any of the creative outlets that you can access and feel good/natural to you can be great for healing and coping. Young children might use fingerpaint or Play-doh to express how they’re feeling and thinking about what happened. Any age person a can also access music (singing, playing an instrument, listening, dancing) to move emotions through. If you have crayons, markers, paper, etc., you can use those materials to draw your feelings and worries- and hopes. Don’t forget that last one.
Model Asking for Help:
It can be SO hard to admit you are at your limit and need support from others. This is something I have always struggled with, so I get it. If you’re feeling totally overwhelmed in a few weeks, or in about 30 days you’re not starting to feel like you’re back to “normal”, or nothing you’re doing seems to be helping, it may be time to call for some extra support. One option is right here. I offer virtual (or in person in Asheville) parenting support all over NC. Use this link to contact me about setting up a time to talk: contact me
You can also ask friends, family, coworkers, etc., for names of therapists they’ve seen and found helpful, or use a search engine. However you go about it, please attend to your own needs so you can meet those of your children. They can’t drink from an empty cup. Stay well out there.
Parenting is now officially bad for your health. Here’s some support.