Developmental levels matter
The age and cognitive developmental level of your child is a primary consideration when talking about difficult topics. Here are a few broad guidelines:
- Toddlers (4 and under)– Children who attend daycare or preschool may overhear adults talking about upsetting stories on the news. They hear a whole lot more than adults usually give them credit for, so check in. Toddlers can’t really process a lot of details about complex news stories, but they may be aware that something bad and sad happened.
Start by asking them if they heard any sad stories at school today and go from there. If they say no, leave it be for now. There’s no reason to tell a young child a potentially terrifying piece of news if they aren’t aware of it already. If your toddler overhears something later on, discuss it then.
If they do know something happened, ask them about their feelings and very briefly share yours as well, without making too much of your own fear or uncertainty. Saying something like, “I’m sad about that, too. I am sad for the children and families who got hurt.” Do not dwell on the parts of the story that none of us can control.
Offer to cuddle or give them a hug, or whatever other coping strategies you normally use when your child is upset. Then move on with your day, do not dwell in the sad/scared feelings.
- Primary aged children (5-8)– Like with toddlers, find out first if they are aware of what happened. Only open the topic if they already know about it. With this age child, it can be helpful to make a short statement of fact, like “There was another school shooting today in X place. Y people were hurt or killed.” Do not give a lot of extra information about the police response, the shooter, etc.
Focus on feelings, and coping. Acknowledging your own feelings of sadness and frustration can help your child normalize their own feelings. Do not go down the rabbit hole of how much you worry about their safety, no matter how much you may be feeling this anxiety. Talk to your adult friends, partner, or therapist about these feelings but don’t give them to your child.
Children in this age group may be ready developmentally to understand how to take action to make changes. If you write to your elected officials, sign petitions, or join protests, talk to them about why you believe that these actions are important.
- Older children (8-12)– As in the earlier age groups, be careful not to overshare or add anxiety to the conversation. Children in this age group may have more sophisticated questions about why and how this happened. Do your best to answer. It’s ok to say “I don’t know” when you really don’t.
Offer coping strategies like you would with a younger child, and maybe also discuss more about how people can impact government policy. Children in this age band might want to also write letters or draw pictures to send to officials or to the school where the shooting happened. They might also feel empowered by helping you make a donation to a charity in that area that helps families after disasters.
- Adolescents– Children in this developmental stage are often profoundly impacted by events in the news. They are old enough to understand that something terrible- and preventable- has happened. However, adolescents can get stuck on the “why’s” of situations without being able to comprehend the complexity of the policy issues. Your job as parent may be to help your adolescent discuss their feelings and help them find a meaningful outlet for their distress.
More than with younger children, adolescents process a lot of their thoughts and feelings with peers. It is important for you to ask them what their friends are saying about the incident, and help them work through any conflict in their peer groups that may come up.
When the anxiety isn’t relieved
If talking about the incident and offering some age-appropriate coping strategies doesn’t seem to relieve your child’s fears, it may be helpful to talk to a therapist about other ways to help. Children are dealing with a host of scary things happening in our shared world, and it can be too much for them (and us) to manage. If your child reports nightmares, stomach or headaches, or has a dramatic change in appetite or behavior that lasts over two weeks, it may be wise to seek professional advice.
Additional resources:
https://www.nctsn.org/resources/talking-children-about-shooting
https://www.savethechildren.org/us/charity-stories/how-to-talk-to-children-about-school-shootings
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