child behavior problem
After the storm has passed…
And your child has returned to a calm (and probably tired) state, you’ve got a golden opportunity for relationship repair work. Tantrums or meltdowns can be a key feature in patterns of problem child behavior. Whether your child’s tantrums are due to being at a tough developmental turning point, being hangry, a more entrenched behavioral problem, and/or related to autism, the time just after a tantrum can be used to good effect for healing.
Take the opportunity for healing.
Once your child has completed the explosion of energy and emotion that come along with tantrums, s/he will generally fall into a low-energy lull for a period of time. For some children, especially those with autism, this may be an extended period of time requiring a total recharge to return to the usual tasks of the day. In other children, the bounce-back may be very quick.
During this quiet moment, use their desire for quiet and connection to reinforce your understanding of their feelings and needs. This will look different for each individual child (even close siblings will often have different needs). In general, children can absorb feelings of tenderness, warmth, and a desire for closeness at this time.
If your child is comfortable with you being physically close, this can be a great time for cuddles. Moving in closer to the child, using a soft voice and gentle touch, you can often help a child regain a sense of safety and well-being following a hard interaction. This is especially important in instances where you may have become angry with the child. Spend a few moments hugging or cuddling.
If your child (or you) are more comfortable with verbal interactions, you might use a kind, gentle voice to remind the child that you will always love him/her, even when things are hard. Children often experience shame following emotional outbursts. Shame does not improve behavior, it makes it worse over time due to the child developing negative ideas about who they are.
If you said or did something you now regret during the tantrum, now is a good time to apologize.
Lead by example
None of us are anything like perfect. We all say and do things we later regret. If you didn’t handle this interaction the way you’d like to, it’s important to acknowledge it- outloud, to your child. This does not make you weak. It makes you a strong leader who matches their words and actions.
Repair is particularly important if your child has a trauma history of any kind. They, especially, need to learn how to come back from triggering material and regain the calm/alert state we all need to use most of the time.
Simply saying to your child, “Hey, I’m really sorry I said ___. I really wish I’d done ______ instead. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings. Earlier, I was angry and I did not handle my anger very well” can go a long way towards teaching your child about handling his/her own emotions, and showing them that you practice what you preach.
Closing the loop
Once your child has returned to a calm/alert state and you’ve said what you need to say about how you handled the situation, you can talk about how you’d like things to go next time. Be careful to avoid the blame trap. Blaming the child or other people is not helpful in this context. Keep it very simple, and then move on.
For example, “Next time you feel like your brother got more dessert than you did, how about you tell me and we discuss it instead of throwing the plate on the floor? I think we can get things fixed better that way”.
Then- be done.
Don’t bring the episode up again later. It’s over and done, you said your bit, it’s time to move on.
Robyn Gobbel has an entire podcast on repairing relationships here: https://robyngobbel.com/rupturerepair/
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